Mother Goose: The Only True Mother Goose cd/album press release 21.2.2017
Declaration on the Use of Duct Tape in Baking, the Application of an Owl Mask, and the Difference between Losing One’s Bearings and Falling Off the Boat
1. The busiest wins. Come late. Skip. Be punctual. Talk to yourself on the escalator. Stare people down. Spread your wings on the underground train. People are allergic to the dandruff you spread grooming yourself after the divine act upon arrival at Ruoholahti Station. Be aggressive. That is the way to gain respect in the art world.
2. Buy batteries. Supermarkets and grocery stores sometimes sell bits and bobs with 50% off. Go check the bargain bin at the end of the aisle for batteries near expiration date. Buy. Buy. Buy. You do know that the on-sale items are marked with a red sticker. You dream of red stickers. You in your underwear at the checkout, at school, the family reunion, the clearance sale, a public place all the same. Blimey, son.
3. Visit Töölö in Helsinki. Bargain for a complementary rental bike. On your second day visit Sörnäinen. Bring your camera. Post daily top-5 incidents on your public journal. No need for content or story, being in Helsinki lends plenty of gravity to your thoughts. Lunch at an Indian restaurant and for desert have a cup of coffee while browsing local papers. Should you lose your bearings while reading, don’t panic. Lie down on the floor and hope the staff don’t notice you when they lock up. If you’re lucky, the whole place is yours for the night.
4. If you run out of energy, pretend you are possessed. Speak in tongues, roll your eyes. You must have someone who thinks you love him (even an animal will do). Take him on a drinking spree. Talk to him. Screaming clears the air. Leave a bowl of water for the dog/partner outside the bar and mention the poor creature to the hard-of-hearing barman. Ownership is a carnival with a lot to explain. Think of yourself as a circus director, a loud black-moustached veteran of war with no need to be funny. Just make sure you are being seen and heard, with new batteries in your megaphone, is all. You are a commander, it is your job to shout. Come morning, your beloved might gone stiff from the cold. It’s not easy to live with the possessed.
5. Once the sun blazes is the sky, shut your phone and park the car in the garage, so everyone thinks you’re away. And away you are. No need for a car or a motorbike. Just walk into the nearby woods, to the rocky slope with a view on the lake. The downward path leads you further away. Climb the rocky shores and dream of a cabin with a better view somewhere near. Sit yourself down and dream up a crisis-free environment and a love to last a lifetime. Soon the swans swim closer and their eyes are the reason you locked up your car in the morning. Back home in the evening the atmosphere is uncanny, even after a nice cup of tea and turning off the TV. Yet these things you are driven to do. In the morning you will feel clearer. You know the swans will come and talk to you today too, so no reason to open the phone.
6. Wear an animal suit. A bear suit is fine, a giant bunny a classic. Forget the Pekinese and the hippopotamus. The hippo is already a bank mascot, the Pekinese a midget perv. Take it easy. It gets hot on the stage and fake fur makes you sweat like a pig. Stress increases perspiration. Imagine you are in Spain, in a Sangria ice bath with lemons. But don’t think of women.
7. It is OK to lose one’s bearings. It is even better in public, in front of unwitting witnesses. If you don’t like drawing attention (a most natural disposition), get a pair of sunglasses. If you still feel exposed, get an unbecoming woollen hat for free at a recycling centre. If you don’t look destitute enough, you might have to pay for the hat. But never mind, the game is worth the candle. Don’t press the poor beggars in the street for money. Pray for them. Even out loud, if you chance upon a truly inspirational case. Which is most likely, unless you are way, way lost to begin with.
8. Hike in the nature. Functional clothing is of utmost importance. We recommend black vinyl with a crown of thorns to top it off. Don’t forget a pack of hankies in case of allergy or blood drips. Climb up a thick fir tree and imagine you are a crow’s nest.
9. When using the electric range at your parents while visiting home as an adult, always use the fast hotplate at maximum power to burn the food. Better stick to what you know, safe and sound failure. Blame yourself for your bad performance. Your parents will do it anyway (even when you do good), so you are making things easy for everyone. Brush your teeth with the toilet brush. Examine the way your all-seeing mom and dad assess this evening routine. They are two and together they are ruthless. They won’t allow their child privacy, even going to toilet. Brush your teeth again with the toilet brush. What else can you do, you are not angry with anyone, are you?
10. Recycle waste to energy. Make homespun music and let it compost on the bookshelf or in the desk drawer. Keep up with the times. Think yourself part of an activity of some sort.
Zelig Concrete 1/2017